Marriage advice for keeping your marriage alive and growing, no matter how long you've been together

Have you ever sat down at your office desk or dining room table and suddenly noticed that there's a lot of clutter piled up? Mail to be opened or answered, books you are reading, photos, collectibles, perhaps even remnants of last week's lunch-all sorts of stuff tends to accumulate in work and/or living spaces. Everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to clutter (or even what they consider clutter). The fact of matter is it tends to be more challenging to do what we love to do when we're bogged down by stuff we aren't using at the moment. When you take the time to clear off your desk, table or whatever area you are focusing on, don't you notice a difference?

Believe it or not, your marriage can also accumulate clutter. Of course, your marriage is not a piece of furniture; however, when it's bogged down with beliefs, habits, grudges and fears, it can feel just as cramped and stifling as a desk piled high. Just as you may feel a sense of relief and spaciousness when you take care of the piles on your desk, so too can you and your love enjoy a more expanded, closer connection with a de-cluttered marriage!

You might feel overwhelmed or even resistant to "clearing off" your marriage. It could be that there seems to be so much to sort through, many complex emotions are involved. It could also be that you don't want to let go of some things. There is lots of good mixed in with the not-so-good. What we're suggesting is to take a look at those relationship tendencies that just don't serve you or your mate and decide to let them go.

What's in your clutter?
You might start off this process by taking a look at what's accumulated over the span of your marriage and relationship together. Some people find it useful to write in a journal for clarity. Pay particular attention to the sticking points between you and your mate. Perhaps holidays are a bit touchy for the two of you. Several years ago, your partner was feeling angry and presented you with a Valentine's Day card that only said his or her name-- no "I love you" or other loving words. The hurt and disappointment of that moment have stuck with you and seem to seep through dampening each gift-giving occasion since then.

As you dive into your marriage clutter, you might realize that you see your partner as he or she was when you first got together. For example, a belief that your mate will blow up in anger the way he or she tended to do 10 years ago can certainly affect communication today. It may not be comfortable to look into the grudges, beliefs and habits you still keep around. Despite this, we encourage you to keep going and be clear with yourself about the disconnecting effects marriage clutter has.

Letting it go
The second part of this process is letting go of what no longer serves you, your partner or your marriage. As potentially damaging as relationship clutter can be, it is familiar to you and that may fuel resistance. When you look at the grudges, fears and beliefs that you've accumulated, notice the way some of it seems to cause you and your partner to move further away from each other. Ask yourself, is this the direction I want our relationship to go?

Instead, is moving closer to and connecting more deeply with your love what you want?

If so, letting go is a path to pursue. You might start by focusing in on a few beliefs or habits. Maybe it's time to forgive your partner for disappointing you that Valentine's Day so long ago and create space for a new tradition of gift-giving and receiving that feels better. The more you practice forgiving or whatever form letting go takes, the easier it may be.

You can share this de-cluttering process with your mate if you'd like. You might let him or her know your excitement for the expanded love that you already feel and see continuing to grow.